Mental Health-ish
Welcome to "Mental Health-ish". This podcast is dedicated to women who are seeking to redefine life by prioritizing their mental health and exploring all aspects of their well-being. Join us as we dive deep into conversations about mental health, self-discovery, personal growth, relationships, career, and everything in between. Our goal is to provide a safe and supportive space where women can freely explore their challenges, triumphs, and aspirations. Each episode features insightful interviews, empowering stories, and practical advice from experts in various fields or people from all walks of life. Get ready to redefine what wellness means for you and embark on a transformative journey towards thriving on your own terms. It's time to embrace your mental health and unlock your limitless potential.
Hosted by: Susie
IG: @mentalhealth.ish
www.mentalhealth-ish.com
Mental Health-ish
Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship
When Debbie accepted messages from a man who found her through a tagged Instagram post, she couldn't have predicted the 18-month nightmare that would follow. Her story reveals how narcissistic abuse escalates from subtle control tactics to full-blown emotional and physical violence.
The warning signs appeared immediately – aggressive physical behavior on their first meeting, possessive comments, and attempts to control her movements – but, like many victims, Debbie dismissed them hoping things would improve. Instead, her partner isolated her from friends, controlled her clothing, monitored her whereabouts, and subjected her to relentless accusations of infidelity while he was the one being unfaithful. The physical abuse escalated too.
What makes this episode particularly powerful is Debbie's candid reflection on her healing journey. After finding the courage to publicly share her story, seven other women came forward with similar experiences with the same man. Her crucial advice to listeners: don't ignore the first red flags, because abusive behavior only escalates with time.
Have you noticed controlling behaviors in your relationships? What red flags have you overlooked hoping things would improve? Listen to this vital conversation and share it with someone who might need to hear that they're not alone in their experiences.
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Hello everyone, Welcome back to Mental Health-ish. My name is Susie and I'm the host of this podcast, and today I have a really special guest. I'm going to let her introduce herself.
Speaker 2:Hi, my name is Debbie.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, today's going to be a really interesting podcast, because the reason I brought Debbie onto the podcast was because there was some stuff going on and I was like I just have to learn and know more, because I feel like her story is helpful and I think it would be helpful for a lot of other people to listen to and kind of just learn from and maybe even like learn some things to look out for, like in the future. You know, when you're meeting like potential partners, and so that's why I wanted to bring you on to kind of share a little bit about your story, because I feel like it's so much more common than people think. And so, yeah, like today we're going to just be talking a little bit about relationships, I guess, in general, and just like some red flags maybe, or just like you know some things to look out for in these relationships, and so, yeah, I really appreciate you. You were just so open.
Speaker 1:The way that I found out about Debbie's story was because she was posting just information and stuff and updates on her Instagram, which kudos to you. I was like, wow, she's really. You're a tough cookie. I was like, okay, thank you. Yeah, but yeah, I guess to start, can, what can you like give us like a little summary of like your side of things, kind of like what? What motivated you to start posting these things like on your Instagram about your past relationship?
Speaker 2:I guess what motivated me was I'm just really I'm just trying to bring awareness to other people. Whether you're a man or a woman, it doesn't matter, because I'm sure men could probably also be in these type of situations. I had to be in this relationship in order for me to learn what manipulation was, gaslighting, narcissism these are all terms that I didn't know about before. These are all things that I didn't experience in my two previous relationships. I had to learn as I went, you know, and again I posted about my situation, about this person, because I wish that somebody would have warned me about him before I got involved with him and before it got as deep as it did. It wasn't until I posted about him that all these other women came out of the woodwork to share their negative experiences that they had with him as well. So it's like it took me to do it first, for others to come forward after, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, cause? Yeah, because I feel like, um, when you guys had first met, if you would have seen stuff about him online, you would have thought twice right, you would have been like definitely I'm not gonna get with this person, I would have ran for the hills oh, huh, um. So how did you guys meet, like, how did this all start? How long did you guys meet, like, how did this all start? How?
Speaker 2:long did you guys date? Or like, you know how long did you? I mean what? How did you guys meet? You know my friend. You know she wanted to take a picture of me, so she took a photo. I uploaded it on my Instagram. I tagged the new wave bar. They reshared it, I guess a few days later, which is fine. I don't mind that part. The part that I do mind is that they tend to tag my Instagram name. So then, you know, people click on the, on the sentence or whatever, and then they, they can just find me like that. So that's how he found me. He follows the new wave page, saw my instagram name lied into my dms.
Speaker 2:I did initially ignore him at first, so it's kind of like he was talking to himself, and then eventually I started talking to him. So that's how we met. We met on, and I want to say there were red flags from the from the beginning, but of course I ignored them, so that I do take fault for that. Yeah, so in total I was pretty much involved with him for 18 months, but we were only in a relationship for 13 months.
Speaker 2:The first few months he kind of was just stringing me along, you know, saying that we were exclusive, but later on I come to find out that you know that wasn't true. He was still talking, entertaining multiple women. You know he had blocked me on Instagram, even though we were hanging out, even though we were technically together, because he didn't want me to see all the women that he had on there that he was talking to and that they were talking to him too, and all that stuff. It wasn't until we became an official couple where things just escalated and started getting worse, like the abuse, like everything like it, just it only got worse okay.
Speaker 1:So it wasn't even like you guys met in person. It was like he sent into your dms. Yes, he just started messaging you. Yeah, what? What kinds of stuff was he messaging you at the beginning, like when he was trying to get your attention?
Speaker 2:he would just. Usually he would react to like if I posted like a photo of myself on my stories, he would react to it. Or I wish I still had the messages, but I don't. I want to say he would. He would just try to get my attention, like saying like hello or good morning or like how are you?
Speaker 2:I remember again, this should have been a red flag because I've never had any guy message me this on a selfie or anything like that. But I remember one time I posted a photo and his response to it was sexy biatch. Yeah, this man's like in his late 30s. And again, that should have been a red flag, but I ignored it. And then the very first time we met, again massive red flags, but again I was stupid so I ignored him. He kissed me very aggressively, he bit my neck and then, as I was going to leave because it was getting late, he told me get out of your car so I can come around and give you a hug. Well, those weren't his only intentions, so I got out of my car so I can come around and give you a hug. Well, those weren't his only intentions, so I got out of my car so we could like hug or whatever, say goodbye, and then he proceeds to like slap me on my butt Again. Those are all things that I ignored, and that was the first time you guys met.
Speaker 1:Yes, the very first time we met, okay, yeah, so what was kind of? Yeah, that's definitely like inappropriate for someone you just met, for sure Like you don't just like slap their butt and then kiss someone aggressively Even I feel like that's kind of weird for the first time meeting. But yeah, what was kind of going through your mind, like when those things happen, like what were you kind of? How are you making sense of it?
Speaker 2:Or just like I was a little shocked Because, again, I've never experienced that before, like no one's ever done that to me, and I haven't dated that much. Honestly, my first relationship was eight years long and then my second one was nine years long. So, and they obviously did not start off like that I didn't meet them through social media or anything like that. They weren't perfect by any means, but I mean, nothing's perfect but again, there was never any gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, narcissism.
Speaker 1:These are all things that I learned you know through this guy, yeah, and these are all things that I learned you know through this guy, yeah, yeah, and I feel like, because this was your first time, right, that you said you had experienced these kinds of things, and I feel like, since it's the first time, like a lot of people like kind of go into shock in a way and like they don't know how to respond or they just you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, do you feel like that's what happened with you? Yes, definitely.
Speaker 2:And I guess you know, as time went by and I started seeing who he really was, I guess I was always trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking, you know things will get better, you know things will eventually get better. And no, they just just they never did. I also this is very personal, but he is saying that I'm lying about him, that I'm making up lies and all this craziness. He's saying I did get um pregnant very early on when I met him, even before we became like an official couple. I let him know right away, like hey, I'm pregnant, right away. Like well, you know, that's not my kid, you need to go figure that out. You know it couldn't have been me. I'm like no, I'm pretty sure it's yours. You're the only person that I've been sleeping with. He's like no, that can't be. I didn't come inside you. I'm like well, you didn't wear a condom either.
Speaker 2:So he was very pushy, pretty much forcing me to get an abortion.
Speaker 2:He later on ghosted me for like almost two weeks and I did go ahead, you know, and got the abortion and even though at times I would feel very sad about it and you know that affect me a lot, looking back at it now.
Speaker 2:I think that, honestly, it was probably one of the best decisions that I could have ever made, because I would be the one stuck with a one-year-old right now. I would probably have to chase him on the weekends just to even be a dad for like two to four hours. He has a child that, at least when I was with him, he refused to see. You know, I'm pretty sure it's still like that right now, even though I've been gone from the picture, and it's like I wouldn't want someone like that to be a father to yet another kid that you know he would just end up neglecting as well. And even after all that, he came back around saying like oh, I'm not just here to ask if you had the abortion, I'm also here because you know I've missed you and I want to see how you're doing. And again, stupid me I.
Speaker 1:You know he reeled me back in and yeah Well, I'm really sorry you had to go through that, because that's not a good experience, like when you're just going through a pregnancy right, you discover you're pregnant and the other person's like completely, just like unsupportive and just like pushing you right, like you said, to do things definitely yes yeah, yeah, it was tough.
Speaker 1:So you said he came back around eventually and he reeled you back in yes what did he do to reel you back in, like, like just looking back now, what made you want to like try things out again?
Speaker 2:It all started randomly. It was like I want to say it was like the same week that I went ahead with, you know, the abortion. I want to say it was a Saturday. He just started like texting me out of nowhere saying like hey, how are you? Or like, how are you feeling Wanted to meet up you to talk? And there I go, you know, I go to meet him later on that night. And, yeah, he said again. He said that he wasn't just interested in knowing if I got the abortion and that he wanted to see how I had been doing and that he missed me. And then from there, we just kind of started talking again, started hanging out again.
Speaker 2:Again, he didn't make things official. I would always push for that and he'd always have an excuse as to why he couldn't make things official at that moment. But I mean now, eventually I found out why because he was still entertaining multiple other people and he didn't want to lose, you know, as he called it his eggs in his basket that he had and yeah, I. So this happened. So I met him. I want to say March, april of 2023. He had my abortion in June of 2023. That's when I started talking to him again as well. And then by August, mid August, he finally decided to make things official. But yet I would still find things out about him. I would still find him, you know, trying to talk to other girls, entertain other girls, like it's just. You know, it was always like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you feel like there was when he would come back and talk to you? Feel like there was, um, when he would come back and talk to you, like there was things that you liked about him or were hopeful about? You know what I mean like, because I feel like a lot of narcissists use manipulation sometimes and so they'll try to like, charm people, you know, to get them to like um, like it's all very manipulative.
Speaker 2:So I don't know, like, if you experienced anything like that, like when he would come back around he would just put on this facade like he would be nice to me and I would just kind of fall for it. I'd be like, okay, you know, like he reached out again. He must scare him, he must, you know, like like miss me and stuff like that. But he was, it was all really just a show and I mean, looking back at it now I just feel like really stupid. But I mean I have learned a lot from this experience. Now I know what to look out for if I were to ever date again, not ignore any red flags. From the beginning it's like yeah, I've learned a lot for sure.
Speaker 1:Definitely Okay, okay. So then what? What happened after that? How did things get to the point where you decided did you broke up with him? Well, you guys were official or not official. Did you guys ever become official?
Speaker 2:yes, in august of 2023 we we became boyfriend, girlfriend okay, so did he ask you to be his girlfriend? No, he made me ask him. Okay, how did?
Speaker 1:that happen.
Speaker 2:I believe we were in bed and he just said that he wanted things to be official, but that I had to ask him to be my boyfriend.
Speaker 2:I have. It's just you know his ego. He has this person again. I've never met anyone like him, and because I liked him so much and I was just blinded by a lot of the things that he would say or do, in the beginning I was like, okay, well, you know, if it's gonna have to take me to make that move, then so be it, but yeah yeah, I feel like that's like it's all about power, right and control.
Speaker 2:Yeah with him. It's all about control, it's all about having the upper hand. Just recently, I believe, like two nights ago, I went through my. I hate when people say like, oh you know, just delete everything you know out of sight, out of mind. No, I'm so glad I didn't ever delete any text messages between him and I or any Instagram messages, because I went back to look at them and whoa, like it's just insane looking at it now, how all the gaslighting, manipulation, everything's there literally.
Speaker 2:He would tell me, he would always tell me, like only one of us can have ego and pride and that's and that person's going to be me, not you. You need to learn your place if you want to be with me. Um, just crazy stuff, like the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just insane, honestly yeah, it's very like, yeah, like insane, like he's very like.
Speaker 1:He sounds very delusional he is very.
Speaker 2:He says that I'm the delusional one.
Speaker 1:Okay so throughout the the relationship with you guys like was like how was the relationship? I guess just in general, like was? Was he like controlling, was he like how did it kind of go?
Speaker 2:extremely controlling, like once I became like his actual girlfriend. That's when he didn't. He didn't hold back. He wanted to just pretty much control every aspect of my life. I was no longer allowed to even go grab a bite with a friend, a girlfriend. I couldn't even do that. I was not allowed to hang out with my friends anymore, go anywhere with my friends. Even if I wanted to do something with my kids, I had to tell them this is where I'm going to be at from this time to this time. He would tell me like, okay, you need to let me know when you get there, you need to let me know when you're leaving and you need to let me know when you get home. That it was literally like that. He would control what I wore, like, yeah, just everything.
Speaker 2:He was extremely controlling, extremely possessive, extremely jealous, would constantly accuse me of cheating If we went out in public. Oh, why were you checking that guy out? I remember one time we had gone to go eat at Chili's and he swore up and down that I was checking out some guy that was sitting at another booth. Till this day I have no idea who he was talking about. We came back to my house and was pretty much interrogating me and forcing me to say that I was checking this person out. I wasn't going to admit to something that I didn't do Like I just wasn't going to do that because I know that I didn't do it. He pushed me around, shoved me around, was throwing me around. He was calling me a whore, a slut, telling me to just admit it. To just admit it. I'm like'm like, I'm not going to. I wasn't checking anyone out. It was always like that.
Speaker 2:He had two festivals in 2023 that I was supposed to go to. I was supposed to go to when we were young festival in Vegas. Well, I didn't go because he was extremely paranoid and extremely insecure. I was going, I was gonna go with my sister and he said that, oh, you're just going to go out there, you're going to be a whore, you're going to probably meet someone at the festival, you're going to go fuck them after. That's how insane his delusions were. And then in November, I was supposed to go to a Darker Waves festival here and I honestly can't remember the city, but it was going to be at a beach here in California and again I he didn't allow me to go that day. I remember there was a lot of crying.
Speaker 2:Again, he, he pushed me so hard in my living room that I literally went airborne and I landed on the floor because he said what triggered him was that there was going to be a band playing their, their name Soft Cell. There was going to be a band playing there, their name Soft Cell, and that he knew that they were going to perform this song called Sex Door. So he went crazy, saying that once they played that song that I was going to start acting like a slut and dancing around with like men. So then that's when he pushed me and like, did all that? Then he tried to gaslight me, saying like no, no, I didn't push you, I didn't. You're imagining things. I didn't do that. You fell on your own. It was just crazy.
Speaker 2:That's how it was with him, extremely controlling. I couldn't do anything unless I asked for permission, but definitely I couldn't hang out with my friends. He isolated me from hanging out with my friends. I did lose some friendships over it, but he could do whatever he wanted. He could go out to the bars with his family. He didn't have to check in with me and that's what he told me. He's like there's going to be double standards. Whatever rules I apply to you, they do not apply to me, and it's, whether you like it or not, and that's how life was with him pretty much. He was extremely paranoid, constantly projecting onto me like his insecurities. I remember this is very degrading, that what I'm going to talk about, but this is how sick this man really is.
Speaker 2:I would usually see him on the weekends in the beginning, so it would be from like Friday to like Sunday. So I remember then usually my youngest son is here on Fridays, you know, and his dad would come pick him up. So I remember this. This one evening, you know he would wait until my son would get picked up, so then he could start heading out this way, or sometimes he'd park near my house. So this night, I believe, my son got picked up around seven-ish, you know, somewhere around there six, seven, and you know he, my son, got picked up by his dad, his dad. Usually he wouldn't even step foot inside my house. He usually wait for me to bring him to the door and then, you know, they take off. So then that night I let him know like, okay, you know my son got picked up. You can start heading this way, if you want. I'm not sure if there had already been like some arguing before. That you know happened.
Speaker 2:I honestly can't remember, my mind is a little foggy when it comes to that but I do remember that when he arrived to my house and again, this is not an excuse, I don't think this should be like an excuse I'm not sure if he had been drinking prior or not. I mean, he seemed pretty normal to me, but he kept insisting like oh, you probably fucked your baby daddy, you know like this and this, and that I'm like dude. First of all, my son is here. His dad does not come inside my house. He waits by the door for me to hand him over our son. And I just remember that we were in the living room when that conversation was happening and then he told me go to your bedroom. And I was like in my mind I'm like okay, I guess. So I go to the bedroom. He tells me to get on my bed.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I know it's hard to talk about Whatever I was wearing pants, underwear or if he did it for me. That part I do not remember. I just remember that I was pretty much undressed from the bottom and he had to inspect me. He wanted to inspect my vagina and he wanted to smell it to make sure that it didn't smell, in his words, that it didn't smell like cum or latex or dick. So he went ahead and he did that or latex or dick. So he went ahead and he did that. Well, I was bleeding also that night and he didn't, I guess, find any evidence that I had done anything. So he was like, okay, and that was that. No apology, no, no, anything. Literally I had never gone through anything like that. No one in my past had ever done that to me. So that was pretty degrading, but I'm sure he just denies everything. Apparently, everything that I'm talking about him on social media is a lie. I'm just trying to, you know, like, slander him and he will never take any responsibility, accountability for anything that he's ever done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, that's yeah. I'm really sorry about that. That sounds horrible and it's like he was trying to like dehumanize you right in a way. Yeah, like he was really trying to just break you down right.
Speaker 2:Going back to a lot of the messages that I went through a few nights ago, it was always, you know, even though I wouldn't do anything wrong. It was always, you know, even though I wouldn't do anything wrong. It was always me apologizing. It was always me, you know, begging like a dog, getting treated worse than a dog, I guess, gets treated like, um, I was just bad yeah, and I think, and.
Speaker 2:I stuck around. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I cut you off and I and I stuck around because you even though, like he would treat me like shit I really did love this person. I don't know, I was just so blinded by everything I just saw, I took a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's all just like. Well, number one, like he's a very insecure person, right, and we know that now, and he was just projecting all of his insecurities onto you. And he was just projecting all of his insecurities onto you and he was projecting and calling you a cheater because he knew that he was the one that was cheating like in the background, so he was just trying to make you out to be the bad person.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And all of this and he was being manipulative, right. So that's really hard when someone's playing with your emotions and like taking you to like a low, low, like he had done so many times, but then maybe bringing you back up to like a high, and he's just, it's like a roller coaster of emotions definitely, um, it was definitely an emotional roller coaster there.
Speaker 2:There definitely was more bad times than good times, and I think that's why I stuck it out, because I would be like, okay, you know, maybe eventually there will be more good times than bad times. Um he, so the reason why the what made him finally dump me, as he likes to call it now, was that it all happened in early October, like the first week of October. I remember vividly it was a Monday to be Tuesday morning. He had stayed over at my house and I had a dream. I had a dream that in the dream he had called me saying like hey, are you home? And I was like yeah. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go over right now. And I was like, okay, home. And I was like yeah, and he's like, okay, I'm going to go over right now. And I was like okay. And then, as he gets to my house, he's just telling me over and over again like I don't love you, I don't love you, I don't love you.
Speaker 2:Okay, the next morning I woke up, you know getting I would leave for work before him. So I woke up feeling very sad and just down. So then by the time I got to work, I remember I sent him a message saying like hey, you know, are you still in love with me? And he was like, why? Like where's this coming from? And I was like, just answer the question. So then I, you know, I tell him about my dream and he's like, of course, I still love you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. You know, like you're, you're just overthinking and stuff.
Speaker 2:And then I want to say the following day I believe it was a Wednesday I was at work, I was feeling fine and then, out of nowhere, I just got this really nasty, like gut feeling in my stomach that he was talking to someone. I started crying. Well, I went into my car. I was already gonna leave work, but I started crying in my car. I cried all the way home and, um, I thought it would be safe for me to share that with him and I sent him a message on Instagram saying like, hey, you know, like this is what happened. You know, I'm choosing to believe that you're not doing anything like that, and you know. And he was like yeah, you know, like now you have me at work feeling all nostalgic. You know, I don't need this.
Speaker 2:And then I want to say by Friday, he just told me like, yeah, you know I can't do this anymore. I need to focus on myself. You know we need time apart, we need space, I need to do me. And yeah, that was that. But yet, every single time that he asked for reassurance from me, I always gave it to him because I wasn't doing anything. I never cheated, I was always faithful, loyal to him from the very beginning to the very end. But now he's saying that, oh, you're bitter, you're trying to flip the script as to why I dumped you. I'm like OK, well then tell people why I dumped you. I'm like, okay, well then tell people why. Because I asked for a reassurance and you couldn't give me that. Because you know damn well that you were doing all those things that my gut feeling was telling me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Was that the first time that you asked him about like if he was seeing other people? Was that the first time that you were starting to feel like he was seeing other people?
Speaker 2:No, it had always been a thing. Like always, there was just a lot of again throughout the whole relationship when we were like officially a couple, and even before that, things would always just come up. For example, I remember one time we this one's crazy, so get ready for this one Like the gaslighting is just insane with this person. He was watching something on his phone but then he mirrored it to my tv screen and I brought up how he would turn off his notifications when he would mirror his phone onto my tv. He's like oh, like there you go trying to start some bullshit drama, blah, blah, blah. And then I don't know what he did, but he started scrolling through his apps and I saw the, the hinge app appear literally on my tv screen and I'm like what's that? He's like what? And I'm like, what is that like? Why do you have the Hinch app on your phone? I mean, yeah, on your phone. He tried to flip it back on me saying, well, how do you know about that, about that app? And I'm like I'm not on it. I've never been on it, but I know people who are on it. I see like ads for it. So that's how I know what that app is. He goes and he tells me that there's phone. I have an iPhone, he has an Android. So he said that Androids sometimes download specific apps onto the phones. And he wanted me. He literally said that I'm not kidding. Like I wish I had recordings of like all these things that would happen and I regret not having them. So then, when he knew that I wasn't going to be that stupid or naive to fall for that lie, then he switched it to something else and I well, you know it must be old, I must have forgotten to delete it or something like that. I'm like then why didn't you go with that lie first? Why did you say that some phones will automatically download certain apps like hinge onto onto your phone? Why did you say that? And he couldn't tell me why.
Speaker 2:Then, another time, we only ever had each other added on Instagram and so I never had him added on Facebook, but I guess, because you know, we had each other's numbers. Sometimes you know people you may know pop up on your Facebook and he will pop up on mine a lot. I still never sent him a friend request or anything. But then this one specific day he popped up and something in my head just told me like, click on his profile. So I go, I click on it, I go to his like following list and he's following like one girl and I go to her profile. There's his face, there's his profile picture that he's one of the followers. So then I confront him about it. I'm like what's this? That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I'm like then, who did Like? Do you have a twin that I don't know about? Who has your account? Who has access to your account? Like? Do other people like borrow your phone? You know and use your Facebook account?
Speaker 2:He literally would not admit to it, even though the proof was right there in my hands. That's just how it is with him Deny, deny, deny, always denying everything. Even when we weren't an official couple, he would. That's why it's so funny to me how he's screaming that I'm cyber bullying him, that I'm doing this and that. Well, I mean he did that to my ex as well, even before I became his girlfriend. He would use burner numbers to harass my son's dad. He would send him just messages talking about graphic details that only him and I would know about. So then, when my son's dad, my ex, started blocking those numbers, he moved it to Instagram. He started making burner accounts to message him on there too. I have all the screenshots still. I have the screenshots from the Instagram messages. I still have the screenshots from the text messages because my ex sent them to me. My son's dad he's denying that too. He went as far as to say like, oh no, that's just your crazy, psychotic baby daddy. First of all, my son's dad is not a baby daddy. He's extremely involved in his son's life. He's a great father. He's not a baby daddy, he's a dad. He's a father. He's just trying to, you know like he's trying to break us apart, you know, from each other. He's photoshopping all those messages. He's photoshopping my number onto those text messages Crazy. He's photoshopping my number onto those text messages Crazy, crazy stuff.
Speaker 2:Then I had I can't remember if we were already official or not. I really I can't remember that detail but I had gone to, you know, pink, the store. I had bought me a few underwear and I had left them on this shelf that I have in my bathroom. I had left them there. They still had the tags on, but I had tried some of them on already. Well, just like magic, you know, one of my thongs went missing, literally gone. It was a black one too, and I'm just here, like where did it go?
Speaker 2:The only person that would step foot inside my house would be this guy. You know my ex. Well, sorry, I had a phone call. He's like maybe it was your little brother, you know, maybe your little brother stole it. I'm like why would my brother steal my thong when he shares the bedroom with my mom and my mom is going to eventually find it. That's how sick he was. He went as far as to blame it on an 11-year-old child, when I know that he took it. How do I know? Because then he sent my son's dad I can't remember if it was on Instagram or through a burner number, but he sent him a message saying like hey, just so you know, I took a trophy from her house. That trophy was my phone. But he's going to go around and say that I'm also lying about that.
Speaker 1:He's just lying through his teeth. Just lie, lie, lie, lie. No accountability for anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's all he does. That's just who he is and that's who I believe he will always be Like. What was the purpose of him stealing my thong? I really don't know. I mean, I'm a size small. I don't think it could fit him, unless he finds another girl who's as small as I am. I don't know what was the point of him stealing my thong. That's just kind of weird. None of my previous partners have ever done that, so it's just crazy.
Speaker 1:So he sounds, I mean he crazy.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna say he sounds, I think he is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very, he really is no and manipulative and just narcissistic, basically poster child for narcissistic, you know so what were you guys living together?
Speaker 2:no no, okay no, he just did stay at my place a lot. He would spend the night here a lot.
Speaker 1:Okay, see, what about like would you guys go on dates or anything.
Speaker 2:Like was he providing anything in their relationship at all, just when he would take me out to eat, and he wasn't taking me to like five starstar restaurants. I never asked him to take me to anything like that, but even that was a problem. I remember one time he took me to go grab like tacos or like a burrito and he bought like two sodas like one for me, one for him. I think each soda was like two or 250. I got on the way back to my house like in a car. He just kept going and going off about how the sodas were so expensive. Just he just kept going and going off about how the sodas were so expensive. Just he just kept going off and on about it.
Speaker 2:So, honestly, the only type of dates that we would go to would be just like out to eat, like in and out chilies because it was cheap for him, or like he take me to the movies, but it's like he has like the cinemark app, so he we usually use like a free ticket. He ruined um valentine's day, which was valentine's day, 2024, I believe it was um a day before valentine's day or two days before valentine's somewhere around there. He held me against my door and he started strangling me, and then next day he came to my house with a pot of tulips as an apology for choking.
Speaker 1:And then reason that he, or what happened that like led to him choking you that time.
Speaker 2:I had confronted him about. So when we became official eventually I like later on, down the down the line, like a few few months later, like I'm assuming, like around Valentine's Day or something like that I had found out that he was still trying to talk to someone that I guess he had met up with. I had messaged this woman and she had told me like yeah, you know, we met up twice, you know we had sex. He denied it, saying like, oh, you know, like you're really gonna believe her over me, all these things, you know. So I had confronted him about it and he didn't like that. He didn't like that. I had confronted him about it. So that's where the that's why he choked me. So, yeah, this was a day or two before Valentine's day. We didn't do anything for Valentine's Day because it landed on a Wednesday, I believe, and I had my kids. So then he had said, oh, you know, we'll just celebrate on Friday or Saturday. Yes, I forgave him. After him, after he choked me, you know, he came with his pot of tulips, had fake tears in his eyes, said sorry, and I forgave him. Then Friday comes, he said, oh, we'll just celebrate on Saturday instead, and but he still came over to my house on Friday night. I had been asking him like, hey, like what do you want? What do you want for Valentine's Day? You know, like gift wise, he never told me. I had even told him, like write me a list. You know he never did so. All I did was I made him some chocolate covered strawberries and I know one time we went to the market and he had seen that this like bottle I believe it was like a, I don't know if it was like a, it was like a limited edition like LA Rams bottle. He had mentioned how he wanted it. So I'm like, okay, you know, in my mind I'm like he never gave me any like hints or clues of what he wanted, but I know he had mentioned. Mind, I'm like he never gave me any like hints or clues of what he wanted, but I know he had mentioned that bottle. I'm just gonna buy him that bottle. So that's what I did. You know that was like my Valentine's Day gift to him. You know, that LA Rams bottle and some chocolate covered strawberries that I made for him.
Speaker 2:So then Saturday, the next day, arrives, he's gonna supposedly take me out to dinner. Already he's complaining that it's going to be expensive and he's not looking forward to it. And as he's tying his boots or shoes, whatever he was wearing, I come out of the room. I'm wearing a dress, like a long sleeve dress. He looks at me up and down. He's like, no, you need to go back to your room and change into something else. And I'm like, why, like, what's wrong with my outfit? There's. And I'm like why, like, what's wrong with my outfit? There's really nothing wrong with my outfit. He's like I'm not gonna be going out with you looking like that and get negative attention because of the way you're dressing. So I go, you know, I put on some jeans and a top, but at a point it's like I was upset. I was upset so I told him like what, do you want me to just get rid of all my dresses? Do I need to throw all of my outfits through trash because you don't want me to like, wear them?
Speaker 2:And then it just escalated. We just started arguing, we started fighting. He had gotten me like two paintings. He broke them. There was a glass shatter all over the floor, ended up with me being in tears and him saying how I didn't deserve, you know, a valentine's day dinner and we didn't go anywhere.
Speaker 2:And then he decided to to be so ungrateful and mean and he told me and what about you? You and your cheap ass gift that you that you gave me some fucking strawberries and like a fucking bottle. And I'm like, well, first of all, that bottle was almost $30. I mean I wouldn't really consider that that cheap, but I was like, wow, I'm glad that you're letting me know how you really felt about my gift. You know that I got you like at least I got you something. I didn't even get a happy Valentine's Day from you, like nothing, literally. And yeah, he never made up for it. Ever. Same thing for my birthday.
Speaker 2:He tried ruining my birthday, which technically he kind of did like my actual birthday birthday. It was me being in tears because of him. I ended up spending it with my family and then the next day after my birthday he did take me out. He took me to El Pescador. Honestly, the bill was like less. It was like 175 dollars. He kept come. We were literally still sitting down next to two other couples in between us and just kept going off about how much the bill was, that it was so expensive. I was so mortified. I was so embarrassed again.
Speaker 2:I've never had a previous ex, you know, react like that when they've gotten the bill to like a restaurant. I've been taken to five-star restaurants where the bill is even more expensive than that. No complaints from these guys, you know, and I'm just like wow, like here, this dude is crying over like $175. And the reason why the bill even came up that high is because he kept ordering drinks, like mainly for himself, not even for me.
Speaker 2:He kept flirting with the waitress, you know, but when we would go out to eat I would have to look down. If we had, like a male waiter, I would have to look down. He programmed me to just look down all the time because if not then I would get accused that I was checking people out. But again, I know that those were all like projections of the things that he was doing. You know the cheating accusations because he was doing it checking people out he was doing. You know the cheating accusations because he was doing it checking people out. He was doing it Like he was just so insecure and paranoid Like he didn't want me to do him the way he was doing me.
Speaker 1:That's pretty much what it was. Did he ever ask you for any money or like any financial stuff?
Speaker 2:Yes, there were times when his account would hit zero and he's like, oh, you know, like'm going to get like hit with a draft fee or whatever. You know, can you like sell me like 40 bucks? Or like you know, like lend me some money? And I would do it because he would do this thing where, when he would get his check, he would put it like in stock or something. So he's like, oh well, my money's tied up in there, like I can't get it out. So, yeah, yeah, he would ask me to lend him money. I never once asked him to lend me money. You know, I never asked him for money like that or anything like that.
Speaker 2:Again, he stayed at my place for over a year, rent free. You know. He never once asked me like, hey, do you need help with your rent? Do you need help with a bill? Literally nothing.
Speaker 2:All he would do really would be like buy some groceries, not like he will fully stock up my fridge. That never happened. He would only buy groceries for, like a meal that he wanted to make or something that he wanted me to make him. But yet he's going around saying she never did shit for me. I did so much for her. Well, like what, what? Taking me out to eat, to like in and out and taking me to the movies. Besides that, he didn't really do much, you know. So, like I'm really not lying about his, about him sleeping on his cousin's couch, like I'm sure he probably still is, he will tell me like, oh yeah, you know, I paid like $300 a month there and I also help them with, like you know, household items and sometimes I buy food or like groceries. Okay, well, I mean, he never gave, he never offered any of that here, he never offered me $300. And he wasn't even sleeping on a couch, he was sleeping on a bed.
Speaker 1:I would go and talk.
Speaker 2:Huh, he had a job. Yes, okay, like he works like a warehouse job. But yeah, he says that I never did anything for him, that he did everything for me. I used to go and do this man's laundry. I used to. Sometimes I would cook him like food and I would drive all the way to Santa Fe Springs to go drop off lunch to him at his job. But yeah, he's saying that I never did anything for him, ever, that I never did anything.
Speaker 2:I remember one time he he got COVID, like December 2023. I literally made him soup. I bought him some, some fruit. I made him like some ginger lemon tea. What do I? What do I hear from him? You brought me some rotten ass fruit. I'm like, well, when I saw the fruit, it didn't look rotten to me. I mean, I would never do that on purpose, you know, and I'm like, wow, like, instead of saying like thank you, you know, like I'm sick here with COVID and you went out of your way to drive all the way out here to do this for me, no, he just complained about the apples or oranges being rotten, something like that.
Speaker 1:So there, there was nothing was ever good enough. There was always something wrong. Yeah always, and I feel like that's just part of like, not like not giving you any compliments or anything like that. He just wanted to keep you down, like just the whole time yeah, speaking about compliments, he never really complimented me ever.
Speaker 2:I remember um one time I had um, we started talking about the topic and he said, well, as long as I'm thinking it in my head, that's what matters. I don't have to say it out loud to you. I'm like okay, and he would uh get upset. Like I remember one time we were going to the movies and you know, if I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna want to look nice, not for anyone else, like I'm not trying to impress like other men, I'm not trying to seek out their validation or attention. That's never been me. Even now, when I go out and I dress up, it's for me, really, it's just for me only. And I had straightened my hair too. And he's like we're just going to the movies. Why the fuck do you have to straighten your hair? Why do you have to dress up? And I'm like dude, I'm not even dressed up, I'm just wearing like some leopard pants and like a top.
Speaker 1:Like to me, I don't consider this dressing up and he was so upset about it like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah just so insecure and so controlling and everything like yes.
Speaker 1:So once he broke up with you, which was, I feel like it sounds like it was kind of sudden, or were you? It was kind of sudden, huh, like he just ended. It was kind of sudden, huh, like he just ended things. Yeah, did he ever try to get back with you after that? Or like what happened after?
Speaker 2:No. So what happened after was and to me, I was just very shocked Because again, it's like one one Tuesday morning you're telling me like, oh, of course I still love you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. And then literally like on by Friday, so like three days later, oh, I need time, I need space, I need to focus on myself, I need to fix my life. Gotta, gotta, gotta, oh. Again, because I did genuinely truly love this individual.
Speaker 2:I was reaching out, you know, I wanted to make things work and he would talk to me here and there, kind of like stringing me along. I feel like saying like, okay, well, you know, we'll, we'll try it out by like first hanging out, we'll go to the movies or something. But then I remember that that I mean technically speaking, he was single so he could do whatever he wanted. But I'm like, okay, well, I don't want to be strung along if he's already talking to other people, seeing other people. So I remember that I went on a group, I posted his photo and all I said was has anyone seen this man on any dating apps? Well, he claims it was a cousin. I don't know. Could have been a girl he was already talking to. That's why he became so enraged and upset. But somebody on that group screenshotted my post, send it to him and he just went unhinged saying like, oh, you're so fucking sneaky. See, this is what I mean. Like you never trusted me. You can't be trusted. How dare you put me on blast in a group like that with like over 40,000 women and, yeah, painting me out to be the bad guy? So, because I wanted to, you know clear. You know clear things up. I wanted to explain, oh, and he blocked me. He ran to Instagram. He blocked me. He blocked my number. Like he didn't even give me a chance to like explain, like myself, as to why I did it. It's like I was blasting him. I literally just posted a photo of him and asked has anyone seen him on dating apps or is anyone talking to this guy, you know?
Speaker 2:So the next day I did go to his job like around the time he was gonna get off so I could talk to him in person, you know, like a mature adult but there was never any talking to him, ever, literally ever. And yeah, right away he started getting very aggressive. He started yelling, he started calling me out of my name, he started pushing me, shoving me. He started pinching me on my stomach, which I did post a photo of that. I had, like, I had a bruise like in my stomach and yeah, that, that was that. So this this happened on Halloween, october 31st. That was the last time I ever saw him in person or really ever spoke to him. Time I ever saw him in person or really ever spoke to him, that was his last straw. He said yeah, that was the last straw. You posting me on that group was, you know, you can't be trusted. That was a sign of God that I shouldn't be with you and, yeah, that was that.
Speaker 1:So okay. So you posted him because you wanted to get some kind of clarity, because you didn't want to be strung along yes, exactly, if he was on dating apps and stuff like you didn't want to just be, you know, talking with him. So then he got upset and that's when he just like absolutely crashed out. Yeah, after that, right, yes. So you said you went to go try to talk to him. Yes, and that's when he started yelling and like he pinched you and all that stuff was yes I was aware, like at his job outside of his job.
Speaker 1:So he did all that in front of his job like outside of his yes, wow.
Speaker 2:And then when I guess some of his co-workers came out, he started telling them, like you need to call 9-1-1, you need to call the cops because this girl is harassing me. And I'm like, I'm not harassing you, I was just trying to have a conversation with you and I'm like again, because my mind was so foggy and I was so, like, upset and I was trying to, like you know, clear my name. It didn't occur to me to be like well, he just put his hands on me, he's pushing me, shoving me, pinching my stomach. I should have said that, but I wasn't thinking straight at that moment. But, yeah, he tried to again flip the script, like he's the victim, because he's always the victim. He started yelling like oh, you need to call the cops, you need to call the cops on her, and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So then after that you said that was the last time you saw him or talked to him yeah, we didn't talk after that anymore talk to him. Yeah, we didn't talk after that anymore. So how did things kind of come up again to where, like recently, right Like you started posting stuff about him. Like how did stuff kind of start back up?
Speaker 2:So after that, it wasn't until like late November when I finally gathered the courage to go on one of those groups and post them's when I actually blast them, as he likes to call it. I actually posted his photo and I posted photos of, you know, like my bruising and stuff like that and I just I just pretty much wrote every possible detail that I could remember. You know the whole the story that I told you earlier about him having to smell and inspect my vagina, the whole abortion thing and just a bunch of other things as well. And again, that post was screenshotted by somebody his cousins, as he likes to call them, and yeah. So I posted him in November.
Speaker 2:And then recently I honestly hadn't posted anything about him.
Speaker 2:So for him to message me saying like, oh, you know, a cousin of mine was on the new wave page and they saw your profile pop up, I'm like, first of all, no, that cousin is him. He's the one who still follows the new wave page. So, yeah, I hadn't posted anything about him. Now, it's not my fault that the post is still up, because I am not going to take it down and obviously, if people are scrolling through the page or if they type his name and if they know him or if they had an experience with him, they're still going to comment on it, whether it was in November, march, april, may, you know, and that's pretty much what happened, like in late March, I believe, like two girls, I guess, found the post and they shared their experiences with him. That's out of my control, you know. So that's. I guess that's what he meant, that I've been posting about him still saying, um, he was telling me like oh, you're so pathetic. You know, it's been months since I dumped you and you're still out here posting me.
Speaker 1:I'm like, I'm like okay, so you, you posted this stuff at that moment kind of like to warn other women right About this guy, and this is exactly. And so what? What made you decide to post that at that point?
Speaker 2:Because I knew that things were completely done and over with. I knew that, no matter what, I guess, once everything was said and done and and the time went by, I started really being by myself and just really replaying everything from start to finish in that relationship and I was like this is not somebody who I want in my life, like no, and I have nothing to lose, I'm not going to gain anything out of making up lies about him. And again, I mainly posted that post to warn other women about him, warn potential new victims, just like I wish somebody would have warned me about him. And you know, sadly that didn't happen Again. It wasn't until I posted him, where all these women started coming out sharing their experiences with him as well. And yeah, that's honestly one of the main reasons why I did it, because people need to be women, need to be warned about this man.
Speaker 2:This man is dangerous, he's not right in the head. Extremely again, extremely. Oh, this man is dangerous, he's not right in the head. Extremely again, extremely controlling, controlling, possessive. You know, I could just go on and on, like you know, but he's out here claiming like oh, you're, you're still posting me, you're posting about me because you're not over me. You're bitter that I dumped you. You're still not over me. No, dude, it's not any of that, it's not. It's just that people need to be warned about you, because the things that he does, it's just not okay.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I feel like at that point, so you already knew this relationship is done. So, yes, you kind of started your healing.
Speaker 2:I guess process I finally took off the rose colored glasses. Your healing, I guess, process. I finally took off the rose colored glasses.
Speaker 1:You realize, hey, like this was not a good person, like the stuff he did to me was not okay. Not okay at all has there been a lot of women?
Speaker 2:that have dealt with him, like is it a lot of women that responded to that post? I believe, like so far there's so far there's been like seven and again, I'm sure there's many more. But you know a lot of most people don't even use Facebook anymore. I know there's apps as well, but those are not gathering as much attention as the groups do. Again, I'm sure there's many more out there that are just not aware of these, like groups and stuff. I don't have TikTok. I know TikTok most people are on TikTok nowadays but I unfortunately don't have TikTok. I'm sure there's people are on TikTok more now, but yeah, I'm not, I'm not on there.
Speaker 1:So I guess, like if there was like somebody, I guess, that listened to your story and was going through like their own, I guess, abusive relationship, what would be like the biggest, I guess, piece of advice that you would give someone that is in your shoes, you know, in the abusive relationship, I do have a friend who's going through things right now.
Speaker 2:When I see her I really see myself giving her so much advice. I'm trying to wake her up, but again it's going to be when she wants to walk away. But I'm just again, I'm just trying to warn people. I would say my advice to anyone out there who's going through what I went through. I'm like do not ignore the first red flags. You know, the moment that you see even the first red flag pop up, walk away, block distance yourself, because it's not going to get any better, it's only going to get worse. You know, I wish I would have done that. But again, I like this person. I figure maybe things would get better with time. They never did. That's what I would say. Like, save yourself, save your sanity, walk away. Things don't get better.
Speaker 1:They don't. Yeah, like, and there's just certain things that are just not okay. And relationships, like no matter who the person is, like any type of physical abuse, any type of like, any type of like emotional abuse, right, if they start isolating you from your friends, from your family, like those are all just little things that the person will try to make you think are normal, like, oh, you're in a relationship now so you shouldn't talk to you know this, this, or you shouldn't have these friends, or you shouldn't be going out, like that's abuse, that's like that's abusive, Like that's not normal, you know, in a relationship. So, yeah, like, just a little, definitely look out for red flags. Definitely don't answer the good morning DMs.
Speaker 1:No, I'm kidding, just be very careful and cautious and I think, just knowing that things do get better. But yeah, I know it could be hard sometimes when you're in the moment, like to realize it. But I think by hearing other people's stories, like yours, like some people might be in it and they don't realize it's abusive. So by hearing your story, they'll be like like she's right, like that's not okay, you know like that's not okay, you know.
Speaker 2:He will tell me, well, he will gaslight me by saying, like, look, if I didn't love you, if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be the way I am, I wouldn't be so jealous, you know, like I wouldn't be so so controlling, I only do these things because I love you and I care about you. Like he would literally say that. And yeah, at the time I was like, okay, well, I mean, yeah, it must be true, maybe that's just the way he shows that he really does love and care for me. But no, that's not love and care, that's control, that's abuse and it's not okay. He will tell me you can't go out to bars or breweries with your friends anymore, because only whores and sluts do that. You're in a relationship now, I with your friends anymore, because only whores and sluts do that. You're in a relationship now. I'm not going out to bars, I don't. And another thing he has no friends, which that should be another red flag. He has no friends at all. The only friends that he has are literally his cousins, but he doesn't actually have any like meaningful friendships or anything like that. To me that should have been a red flag Again, another red flag that I ignored.
Speaker 2:Again, it wasn't even just physical abuse that I endured with him. It was mental, emotional, verbal. I actually still have a paper here in front of me of I named it, words, phrases, to remember that I would read to myself and try to engrave it in my head so I could finally let go of this person. But I wasn't strong enough at the time to do it. So some of the things that he loved to tell me were I hate you, f you F-ing bitch. You repulse me, f-ing pussy. You're weak. Shut the F up. My balls don't work for you. My dick doesn't get hard for you. You've ruined my life. I don't know how I ruined his life when his life was already ruined even before I met him. Every time I would again. Every time I would try to talk to him about anything, he just didn't want to deal with it. It was like literally talking to a wall. There was just no getting through with him.
Speaker 2:When I would cry, he would mock me. He would literally mock me when I would cry or he would be. Stop with your crying. You're being so manipulative right now. I can't stand your manipulating ass tears. I'm sorry that I'm crying because I'm literally hurt by what you're saying or doing to me. I'm sorry that I'm crying because I'm literally hurt by what you're saying or doing to me and I'm sorry that some of us have actual, real, true, you know feelings and emotions that you just can't deal with because that's not how, that's not who you are. You don't have any feelings or emotions.
Speaker 2:I remember just very he's just a very vile person. I remember one time I had mentioned to him how I had seen like a dead cat on the road and that made me sad. So I started tearing up, you know, and then we started arguing one day and he literally threw that in my face. He was like, oh, and look at you fucking crying because you see a dead cat on the on the ground, like, and he just he just unleashed it on me. I'm like, wow, like I share that with you, because I thought that I could share something vulnerable like that with you, you know, with my boyfriend, with my partner, and here you are mocking me for it too.
Speaker 1:It's like this person is just heartless, like he really is and that's like another red flag that people don't. That people miss at the time is like if you're sharing something personal and private with someone and then they share it or throw it in your face in an argument. That's not okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he would do that a lot. He would always just try to make me feel less than he would say that I looked fat. Or you would just make snarky little comments. Or I remember sometimes when we'd be in the car, he say like, oh, close your legs, you stink. And I would be like, first of all, I, I don't, you know, I, I know I don't stink. And then he would start laughing like crazy. He's like oh, it's just a joke. Why are you so sensitive? I can't even joke with you about anything without you getting all crazy on me and I'm like dude.
Speaker 2:well, don't joke about things that are not real and it's not.
Speaker 1:I've never had anybody.
Speaker 2:I've never had a previous partner tell me that I smell down there. Even he told me himself. He's like oh, you know what I really like about you, that you don't smell down there. So then don't make sick comments like those. Those are not jokes. And don't make sick comments like those. Those are not jokes. And yeah, like anytime that I would try to like defend myself with like the things you would do or say it's like oh, you're crazy, you know you're mental, you need help. And that's exactly what he's saying to me now, looking at all those messages that I posted, that he messaged me. He's saying that I need to seek help for my mental illnesses, that I'm like sick, just projecting, as usual, nothing new there.
Speaker 1:So what now? Like from this point forward, communication has been cut off. Like are you, did he block you again, or did you block him?
Speaker 2:He blocked me and and that's another thing that I want to bring up, I'm sorry that I forgot to bring up earlier so he dumped me, as he likes to call it, back in early October. And then, you know, we didn't talk anymore by like late October, like early November. One of those two I want to say by like late November is when I started noticing, like these burner accounts like creeping on my profile, on my Instagram page, and I would block them. You know, and again, again, I've never had this happen before, I've never had burner accounts trying to lurk at my page or anything like that. And then what really, what really gave it away was, I want to say, back in March it was a day before the day after St Patrick's Day I remember my son was getting picked up from by his dad, but we had to talk about a few things regarding my son. So I was outside by my door talking to my son's dad and then, you know, I think the conversation was like a few minutes long. And then after, when I came back home, when I came back inside my house, you know, obviously, I grabbed my phone and I see a notification on my, on my phone screen, and it said. The notification literally said and I still have the screenshot it said Deb is my 91 liked your story. So, right away, I'm like whoa, what is this? I go, I open the Instagram app. I'm trying to find the notification. It's gone.
Speaker 2:I typed the Instagram name Deb is my 91. Can't find it because it blocked me. Well, that was him. He was DevisMy91. But then he changed the name to LA Nosferatu and it's like okay, dude, you dumped me, you left me. Then why are you going out of you, out of your way, to make all these burner accounts, even going as far as to naming one dev is my 91? That's just creepy and like sick and like why I don't get it. It's like he left me, he dumped me. Then why are you, why are you, you know, so worked up on wanting to know what I'm doing, what I'm not doing? Again, I hadn't posted anything about it on my Instagram. Yes, sometimes I share, like videos, reels on narcissism, but I'm allowed to do that. It is my page. I will post whatever I want, you know.
Speaker 2:So it was last weekend where I had, you know, noticed that a page was looking at my stories. It was like a page of Giovanni and I was like, huh, this person is not following me, who are they? So I click on the page and I see the name says Gio Fomer. That name stuck to me. It stuck with me because last year, when I was still in a relationship with him, there was a thing going on where he was going to move into a house in Montebello and that he was going to have a bedroom there, but then his nephew, that kid whose account he used, he took over that bedroom. So he was upset, he was mad, talking mad trash about, you know, this kid and the kid's dad, which is his cousin. And the name stuck with me.
Speaker 2:You know, the the, the last thing, especially former, and that's how I knew that it was him watching my stuff. So I had to public, I had to publicly call him out on it because it's like okay, dude, again you dumped me, you left me, then why are you still looking at my stuff Like that just doesn't make any sense to me. I haven't bothered him. I haven't bothered him, I haven't tried to contact him in any way, shape or form, but he's out here, you know, for like months now making burner accounts just to creep up on me. And I told him I'm like I'm not going to block you anymore. You know, if you want to keep lurking, I'll let you lurk Because clearly you know you're still trying to keep up with me, even though, yes, you dumped me like seven months ago. It's just. It's just weird. I don't know. It's very bizarre. I don't, I don't get that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't. I don't get it Like why he would want to keep looking at you just to see what you're doing, or like to see if you're dating, to see, like just seeing what you're doing. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Then there was a again, I hadn't posted anything about him. For example, like for my birthday weekend. There was a situation where I showed up to a bar. I was told that he was there as well. I didn't see him. I honestly did not see him. I don't remember seeing him in there or making any eye contact. I remember I just walked straight into the bar, straight into the dance floor, and I started dancing.
Speaker 2:Well, I was told that the moment that I walked into the bar, he got up and he started following right behind me. I don't know what the purpose of that was. I mean, we're inside a bar, dude. There's like security guards outside, so he was going to try something that wouldn't have been the right place to do that. Then I heard that he went into the restroom and then he came out and the whole time he was just staring at me. It's like if you're so unbothered by me and again you dumped me then why are you even looking at me or even following behind me? That's just to me, that's just scary and weird. Like, don't do that. You know.
Speaker 2:I could have gone on my Instagram literally on my birthday weekend and being like oh, you know, like I was told that my crazy ex was at the same bar. I didn't even bring it up. There was no, there was no need for it. Of course, if you're lurking on my page and you know doing all this and that, then that's when I finally called it out. You know, but yeah, like I haven't bothered him, like whatever he's doing with his life, you know, that's, that's him. He keeps saying that, oh, my life has gotten so much better since you've been gone from it. I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 1:He's.
Speaker 2:He's still pretty much living the same life he was when I was with him, so I don't see how that's gotten any better, but I'll just let him keep believing his delusions, as usual yeah, he's, he's just gonna look for his next victim and it's just gonna be a cycle with him all right, yeah, and I, I truly do feel, um, I truly do feel sad for the next victim because they don't know what they're walking themselves into. And I already know, I already know that any any new girl and that's another thing that I ignored Again one of the first red flags that I ignored was him talking about his ex saying like, oh, she was crazy, she was insane, she was a psycho. That's literally what he's saying about me now. I know that for a fact. All the new girls that he's trying to, you know like, sweep off their feet.
Speaker 2:I know he's like my ex is so psycho, she's crazy, she's nuts. You know, she's mental, she's not over me, she's bitter because I dumped her. I can only imagine the things that he's saying about me. I would hope that somebody else is like whoa, he's calling his ex crazy as a red flag. That's how I'm going to take that as now, if I were to ever even entertain the idea of wanting to date someone else. The moment a guy tells me oh, my ex is crazy, yeah, red flag, I'm gone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, that's like a big red flag. Is it telling you all these saying all these bad things about their ex, but then they're not saying anything about themselves Like yeah, yeah, that's a big red flag.
Speaker 2:Yeah, with him is all all my exes cheated on me. All of my exes are crazy, but he never tells what he did. Well, what did you do to make them crazy? Uh, how were you? You know? What did you do in the relationship to make them that way?
Speaker 2:He's always like like I'm such a great guy, you know, like I'm a good guy. I'm like I'm sorry, but if you have to say that you're a good guy, then you're not good. Good people don't go out there saying that they're good. You know, yeah, but yeah, it's like nothing is ever his fault. He's always a victim. He just blames everything on his childhood and his life experiences. I'm sorry, but we've all gone through things, all of us. I don't go out there and be a shitty person just because I had a messed up childhood. I, you know, at one point you have to take responsibility for your own actions and heal. But you know, like he, just I don't think that's ever going to happen with him. Like I just don't see it happening. I have, I've been doing my part. I've actually been healing. I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 2:When he first broke up with me, I was in a very, very dark hole. I didn't leave my house. For like weeks I stopped going to work. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even drink like anything, like I. I just like was in a very, very dark place. I was very, very depressed. I was just very like blindsided, I guess you can say, and I didn't want to do anything. I was severely depressed. I'm so happy now that I'm not in that place anymore.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna lie and say that like I'm not depressed, I'm not depressed about him specifically, but depression is just not something that just goes away just like that, because I did end up having to go to the hospital, because I just got really, really sick. I got really sick. They had seen my charts. I had been there like back in like August and when I ended up in a hospital it was like mid-November and they were like whoa, what happened here? Like you were like close to 140 pounds in August the last time we saw you, and now you're down to 121 pounds. So then I had to tell them I'm like, well, this and this and this has been going on. And yeah, it was just it was bad. You know I was in a pretty bad place, wow, you know he just goes out there living his life, you know, like nothing, nothing. So he just likes to leave like a trail of destruction and just moves on to the next victim like nothing, but then paints me as a villain.
Speaker 2:I, I'm not in that place anymore. I actually I've been finding myself again the person that I used to be before I met him and before I got with him, because he really really did change me. I became pretty much a shell of who I used to be and now it's like I go out more. You know, I do. I'm doing the things that I used to love doing before I met him, like I, you know, go and have lunch with my friends. You know, I've been getting into hiking again because I wasn't even allowed to do that. I couldn't even go hiking. I couldn't do anything. Literally, I couldn't do anything at all.
Speaker 2:I love going out and just listening to music and dancing. I don't see anything wrong with that. When I go out to bars it's literally just to listen to the music, dance, maybe have a drink or two. I come back home and that's that, you know. But he wants to say that I'm a slut and a whore because I go to bars, but yet this same man is what he goes to the bars to pick up on quote unquote sluts and whores. It is, I don't know. He's just funny in a very sad way and I did, in one of the messages, I did actually thank him. I was like you know, I do thank you for actually like releasing me, for letting me, for, you know, leaving me, giving me back my freedom, you know, because I know that if I was still with him I would still be stuck in the same situation that I was in, like again, things weren't, they just weren't going to get better.
Speaker 1:They weren't. I mean, I'm glad that you're. You're rediscovering yourself. I think what the biggest thing is like when people are going through breakups, um is pouring that love into yourself, so like the love that you were giving your partner. Give it to yourself. Definitely. It sounds like what you're doing right. It's like take yourself out on dates. You by yourself, you know the flowers. Yes, out on dates, you by yourself, you know the flowers. Yes, you're not by yourself, you're kind of like in a relationship with yourself. Yes, I think that's a good way to do it and that's the thing.
Speaker 2:Speaking of flowers, he would always tell me like, oh, I'm not gonna waste my money on flowers that are just gonna die. Well, throughout the whole time that I was with him, he only got me flowers three times. So the first one, the first time he got me flowers, was because, uh, the the previous night he had it was outside his cousin's house, like the one that he like lives at, or whatever he had. Um, he had pushed me to the ground. So, yeah, he shoved me, I fell to the ground and then, as I was trying to get back up, he kicked me so I wouldn't be able to get up. So then the next morning but then again, because he loves to cry, I'm the victim, somebody help me. Then I, he went to go knock on his cousin's door saying like, call the cops. Call the cops. You know she needs to, she needs to leave the premises. You know it's private property, you need to get out of here. I'm the one they're Like, you know I'm like inconsolable and stuff like that. But he's telling them to call the cops on me.
Speaker 2:The next morning he shows up to my house with some flowers as an apology for doing what he did to me the night before. And then again, I had already mentioned, you know, he got me some tulips because he had choked me the night before. And then there was this one time time, like in June of last year, where he randomly showed up to my house with flowers. Nothing bad had happened that day or the day before, but I was already in such a like I don't know if you can call it like fight or flight mode that I couldn't even feel happy.
Speaker 2:I couldn't even be, I couldn't even feel happy that he got me some flowers just because, or randomly. I was like because I had already. I had already, you know, I guess, how can I explain it? Like every time he had gotten me flowers in the past it was because of something that he had done that was bad, you know. So that day when he got me those flowers, I was like Whoa, like what happened? Like did he do something? Like he must have done something bad in order for him to show up to my house with flowers right now? Again, I couldn't even feel like genuinely happy because I had already familiarized flowers with like bad experiences. So yeah, All right.
Speaker 1:Well, Debbie, I appreciate you coming on to share your story and I think, like I said, it's going to be helpful to a lot of people. But, yeah, like, thank you for coming on and sharing, you know your story.
Speaker 2:I know it was hard.
Speaker 1:And it's stuff that's like so like difficult to talk about and sometimes it feels like private stuff, right, like just craziness, yeah, and so it takes a lot of courage to talk about. But, yeah, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story and, yeah, I wish you nothing but the best in your healing. Thank, you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me you know, for giving me, you know a platform to you know, talk about my talk, about my story. I really do hope that this helps anyone out there who might be in a similar situation. That's really all I want. I just want to bring awareness to narcissistic abuse and hopefully I can save someone else out there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So thank you, thank you.
