Rebuilding Identity After Breakup

Relationships after divorce can be challenging, and reflecting on past decisions often leads to valuable life lessons. The episode emphasizes the importance of taking time for self-discovery, avoiding the rush into new relationships, and the central feelings of loneliness and longing for connection.

• Exploring post-divorce reflections on relationships 
• Personal stories highlight the challenges of moving on 
• The regret of rushing into dating too soon 
• Importance of taking time for self-growth and healing 
• Reclaiming independence after a long-term relationship 

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Chapters

• 0:00 Regret and Reflection After Divorce
• 11:43 Dating Red Flags for Single Moms

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi everyone, welcome back to Mental Health-ish. I finally was able to get a full eight hours of sleep last night, and so today I'm just feeling like a refreshed daisy, like I'm just like this beautiful flower. I'm so puffy and so okay, that doesn't make sense, but anywho, I'm feeling good today, so I decided to just sit down and record an episode with just some things that I've been having on my mind. One of the things that I feel has been sticking out for me this past week or two is relationships, but particularly relationships after divorce or when you're like newly single after a very long-term relationship Maybe there's kids involved, maybe there isn't and just how crappy the dating world is Nowadays. You know, with phones and social media, I feel like people aren't really meeting each other like they used to. You know, like maybe face to face or through friends or whatever. So, anyways, the dating life is hell.

Speaker 1: 1:20

But, yeah, one of the things that I was thinking about lately was one of the biggest regrets that I have since divorce, or like the way that I handled, you know, the divorce and I know I've talked about this before, but there's just a lot of little things, little components, little things that go into like when you're, you know, leaving a long term relationship. So there's a lot to it. There's a lot of little things, but, anywho, the biggest regret that I have after my divorce and, mind you, my relationship was eight years, married 10 years together with my ex and so I think we started when we met when I was I was 16. And he was 19. So I was a baby, I was a 16 year old baby, and then we ended up getting together, I think when I was 18. It was like when we officially started dating or boyfriend, girlfriend, and we ended up getting married when I was 19. So only a year later, wow, maybe almost two years, because it was towards the yeah, so almost two years later. But I was 19 years old and I believe I want to say he was maybe 21 or 22. So we got married super, super young. So, yeah, super, super young, and then we ended up getting separating, getting divorced. I think I was 28. And I forgot how old he was. I don't know. So, anywho, I was 28 at the time. I had just had Emma, so I had a little baby and I forgot how old he was. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 2:55

So, anywho, I was 28 at the time. I had just had Emma, so I had a little baby and I was still living with his family for a little bit after everything that happened, which I haven't spoken about but he wasn't living at the house anymore. It was his parents' house. So he wasn't living there anymore. I forgot where he was living, but I was still living at his parents' house for a while and this was like the first time that I was single in like a really long time. Like I told you guys, I was literally 16 when I met him and then dating at 18.

Speaker 1: 3:27

So it was the first time that I was single in like forever and it was a time where I was still trying to pretty much start over and find myself, I guess like find out who I was outside of this relationship that I had been in in so long. Because throughout the years that we were together, you get together with people that's so young that you guys kind of grow. I don't know if like grow up together or grow apart or kind of like blend into the same person. I don't know if that makes sense, but yeah, I was trying to figure out who I was outside of this relationship, who I was period, like I felt like I didn't know myself. So I started going to the gym. I started reconnecting with friends, I think like people that I had known. I was trying like that was my way. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 4:21

It was a very like weird period for me. But I started going to the gym. I started talking to, I guess, guys for the first time in years, because when I was married in my previous relationship during those eight, 10 years together, I cut out any type of male friends. He didn't like me talking to any guys. He didn't like me having guy friends and at the time I thought that was normal. So I completely did not have any guy friends at all. So I think it was the first time after so many years that I was finally talking to guys again. And so it was kind of like a weird period for me because I didn't know how. I don't know if I knew how to have guy friends, if that makes sense. So I would get attached. I feel very quickly Like when I would talk to guys I would develop crushes, which is kind of like embarrassing to say and it's not like I was talking to like a bunch of guys. I just want to put that out as well, but you know, it was interesting. So, anyhow, I finally eventually moved out into my own apartment and I was thriving. I feel like that was like the big turning point in my life where I was finally getting my shit together, being independent. I had my daughter. It was like a little one bedroom apartment, but that was a big deal for me, because nobody in like my family, my brothers, like nobody has ever moved out into their own place. Like like I felt like, good, you know, like I had had my own little place. I was going to the gym, I was going to work, I had my first like big girl career because I had just, you know, graduated college and I felt like everything was going fine.

Speaker 1: 6:04

Now let's go back to what my biggest regret was, because I the time I remember feeling like, oh, like I was feeling good, right, I was in my own place. I was like, oh, I'm good, like I'm, I'm healed, oh, I'm ready to move on. Like, if you know, my ex was already, I think, remarrying at that time. Like he got remarried very fast. So I was kind of like, well, he moved on, like he's married. I was like, well, maybe I could move on to. Like you know, like I felt ready. I felt like, okay, I'm healed, like I'm ready, you know, I'm gonna start dating or whatever, or just kind of seeing what's out there, which I did, which sucked, but anyhow, my biggest regret is not taking my time.

Speaker 1: 6:52

And so when you get out of these very long relationships especially if you got into this relationship when you were super young you need to give yourself time Again. You need to give yourself time, you need to do some work on yourself, and I'll go into what that means. But for me it meant I wish I would have taken my time and, you know, really going to therapy, talking to someone, processing, you know, everything that had happened. Processing, you know, feeling like I didn't know who I was like, kind of like going back to finding myself. So definitely I wish I would have, like, talked to a therapist. Another thing is I wish I would have taken my time and not been in a rush to get into another relationship right away. So not doing the dating, not doing, you know, or the dating. I mean it's okay to go on a date, maybe have fun, you know, just get out there, but I wish I wouldn't have been in a rush to get into another serious relationship right away, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 8:03

Because I feel like I just didn't know how to be alone at the time and at the time I didn't know that I had all these things that I needed to work through. Like that came on now, years later, like now that I've been in therapy, things like that, but at the time I didn't know how to be alone and just sitting in my apartment by myself you know, when Emma would go to her dad's, it would just be me sitting in the apartment. I did feel lonely and I would sometimes feel like I did have nobody. I would sit in my apartment crying, and that was the wrong reason to want to get into a relationship. Like you don't want to get into a relationship because you're afraid of being by yourself or you don't know how and you feel like you just have to have someone with you all the time. And that's how I felt.

Speaker 1: 8:54

And I feel like I wish I would have given myself time because, even though I felt like I was healed and I had this apartment and I was ready to continue and move on and get into a relationship, like I really wasn't and now I can look back and see that like I really wasn't healed and so I wasn't really thinking straight. You know what I mean. So, anyhow, I feel like I jumped into the next serious relationship right away, when I hadn't even had time to work on myself, work on my triggers, work on my the things you know that I do in relationships, like my unhealthy patterns, things like that. I hadn't worked through my attachment issues, so there was like a lot of different things that I hadn't worked through when I was already here, you know, jumping onto the next relationship. So that's like my biggest regret is not enjoying the moment more, like here I was in my apartment, not looking back, like that was like the best period of one of the best periods of my life, basically where I was.

Speaker 1: 10:05

I know I just said I was feeling lonely, but at the same time I was feeling the happiest because I've had, like I finally had my own place. It was just me and Emma. I was single. I was like making friends, not just with guys but with girls too. I met like one of my best friends at the gym, you know, at that time, yeah, it was like a very good time and I wish I would have enjoyed it more rather than trying to jump into another relationship right away.

Speaker 1: 10:34

So that's one of my biggest things, and so if you're in a situation kind of like that, or you're you know about to get out of a relationship, or you just got out, or you're thinking about getting out of your relationship right now, just remember to slow down, slow down. You don't have to rush into the next relationship. You don't have to compare your life to what other people are doing, because that was like. Another thing for me is that I would go online and I would see, you know Instagram posts from friends or whatever acquaintances with engagement. You know, I just got got engaged, oh, I'm pregnant, I'm expecting, or you know they're cute family pictures and I would feel like, oh my gosh, like I want to have that. So just remember to not compare yourself to other people's lives too, and what they're doing, and just enjoy yourself, enjoy your moment and, yeah, take your time. So let me know your thoughts if you can relate to this and, yeah, thank you so much for being here and listening to this episode.

Speaker 1: 11:43

The next episode, I do want to talk about some. I don't want to say relationship red flags, but dating as a single mom, like just some things that you need to watch out for. So make sure to come back for that, make sure to subscribe and listen to all of the older episodes. I also have mental health blogs on my website, mentalhealthishcom. Follow me on all socials and, yeah, I hope you guys come back and listen to the next episode. My voice is pretty much gone right now and I've only been talking for a few minutes, but that's how I know that I'm still sick and I'm still not 100% recovered, because my voice sounds so congested in a way and so sore and raspy. But yeah, thank you guys, if you listened up to this point and you endured my little raspy voice. I appreciate you.