Exploring Money Trauma Boundaries

Have you ever felt the weight of money trauma shaping your financial habits and mental health? Listen as I recount the challenges of rebuilding friendships and a new identity post-divorce, and the pivotal moments that made me confront my financial fears head-on.

Let's talk about the tough topic of setting financial boundaries, especially when it comes to feeling used by those closest to you. A recent request for money brought to the surface old wounds from past relationships, including my mom, spotlighting the urgent need for self-protection and mental health preservation. I share my strategies for achieving financial responsibility, paying off debt, and curbing impulsive spending. 

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Chapters

• 0:00 Social Media Reconnecting After Money Trauma
• 12:30 Setting Boundaries After Money Trauma

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hello friends, welcome back to the Mental Healthish podcast. I hope that you all have been enjoying the episodes that have been released so far. In the past few weeks I think there has been a total of six episodes, and so I appreciate your support. I wanted to come on here and just make a mini episode solo, because it's been a while since I've made an episode by myself. I think it's been since gosh I don't even know when was the last time that I recorded by myself. But I'm really excited because I've been wanting to record an episode.

Speaker 1: 0:48

I'll be going about my day and something happens where I get an idea and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I want to make an episode and talk about this, but I didn't have a good enough microphone where I could just record outside of home, because I mean, at home I have my setup, I have my microphone, it's connected to my computer and so that's usually where I record my podcast episodes, when I have other people joining me. But I wanted to find a way to record on my free time. When I'm on the go especially, I feel, at work I get a lot of downtime where sometimes I'm just like sitting in my car or I'm sitting in the office by myself and I'm like man, I have this idea like I could literally be recording right now and talking about it, but I didn't have a good enough microphone to be able to do it, and so I bought like microphones off Amazon, like little clip-on ones. They didn't work too well. They were very cheaply made. I ended up buying like some better ones or at least I thought they were better off the TikTok shop, but the battery was horrible, like I would literally charge them, and I was like, okay, they're charged, they're ready to go. I'm going to maybe record you know if I have some free time today, and then they wouldn't turn on, like they would just die sitting in my bag. And so I'm like you know what I need to get myself? Some actual professional, reliable, on-the-go microphones. And so I got the DJI clip-on microphones and so I'm really excited. I'm actually recording on them right now in my car, and so I don't know if you guys could hear the cars passing by, because my office is like right next to the freeway. But yeah, we're just going to go for it and we're just going to talk about things.

Speaker 1: 2:53

So I had a very interesting experience this week that I kind of wanted to talk about and just share, because I feel like a lot of people have similar experiences or situations, but I feel like it's not really talked about a lot and so I came to a realization this week that I feel like I have money trauma. Yes, you heard that correct. I did say money, money trauma, and of course, I'm not an expert in finances or anything like that. This is just my experience with things. I did look up money trauma just to kind of see if it was a real thing, and it is actually a real thing. So money trauma refers to the emotional and psychological impact that negative experiences with money can have on an individual. So it can come from different types of situations, such as like growing up in a household with financial instability, experiencing financial abuse or manipulation, or going through significant financial setbacks or losses. So money trauma can lead to feelings of fear, anxiety, shame and low self-worth when it comes to financial matters, and it can also impact the person's beliefs, attitudes and behaviors related to money, leading to unhealthy financial habits and difficulties in managing finances. So it is important to acknowledge and address any money trauma in order to heal and develop a healthier relationship with money. Very interesting.

Speaker 1: 4:40

But when I went through my divorce gosh, it's been now almost eight years ago At the time I had a lot of my Facebook. Friends list was literally almost like probably at 2000. I had that Facebook since high school. So I had a lot of high school acquaintances, things like that that I had on social media, not just on Facebook but just across the board. Things like that Facebook but just across the board, things like that. And I feel like when I was going through my divorce, I went through this period or phase where I kind of wanted to start over and not just that, but there was like everyone knew I was married, like I married very young, and so I feel like when I was going through the divorce, there was like some shame and embarrassment, I guess, component to it, where I mean nobody wants to like tell people, like okay, I'm going through a divorce or you know whatever.

Speaker 1: 5:50

I started deleting a lot of people off my social media and, of course, like deleting, you know, my ex-husband's friends and things like that too. It was like if anyone's gone through a breakup from a very long relationship or divorce, like you kind of. I don't know if you guys experienced this, but it was like a very confusing period where I was like I don't know if you guys experienced this, but it was like a very confusing period where I was like I don't know I could be friends with. Like I didn't know like if I could be friends with like my ex-husband's friends at the time, like the friends that we would always hang out with, or like mutual friends that we had, like it kind of felt awkward. I was like I don't know if I could still talk to them or if I should still talk to them, or you know, I don't know who's really my real friend or are they just his friends? Not only that, but just like people that I had on my social media, like from high school, things like that, that I knew in the past. I was like I don't know. It was like a weird period. I'm like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 6:59

So I basically did a sweep of my social media around that time. So I started just unfriending, deleting people from the past If I didn't still talk to you or I was deleting you or I was unfriending you, things like that. It was kind of like I wanted a fresh start and it wasn't anything personal against any of the people that I was unfriending. It was just kind of me like, just at that moment, that's what I needed to kind of just start over, clear my mind, like you know, just move on, move forward. And so I did that.

Speaker 1: 7:37

I deleted a lot of people from high school. And so I did that. I deleted a lot of people from high school and friended, only kept the people that I was actually close with at some point or, like you know, like people that I kind of wanted to keep around or whatnot. So anywho, um, I've now moved on. Obviously it's been eight years. I'm completely like, just past the divorce, that relationship, just everything that happened, I feel like more clear headed Now it's been eight years and so now sometimes I'll be like, oh, I wonder what so, and so, like, what happened to them? Or you know, like people that I used to talk to, things like that. So now, looking back, I don't regret deleting people and unfriending, but sometimes I just kind of wonder like, okay, well, did I just kind of do that while I was in the right headspace, like did I just you know what I mean? I'm like, sometimes I wonder, did I just you know what I mean? I'm like, sometimes I wonder.

Speaker 1: 8:42

And so I ended up adding and I'm of course not going to say names, but I ended up adding someone that I was a friend with in high school. I wouldn't say close, I wouldn't say BFF, but we were definitely close. We hung out a lot a few times. Like you know, we were friends, same friend group, things like that. I think I came across their Instagram profile and so I was like, oh well, why did I delete this person? Right, like it was during that time where I kind of deleted a bunch of people and I was like, let me add this person and just kind of say hi and just see what they're up to, you know, like kind of just being friendly, like not a big deal. And so I followed them on Instagram. They followed me back and it was just kind of like a very quick, you know, message DM.

Speaker 1: 9:37

I don't remember if I was the one that sent the first DM or if she was the one that sent me the first DM, but it was just we DMed, you know, just very quickly, kind of like oh hey, how are you? Like it's been years. Like you know, how are the kids, things like that. And we just kind of moved on, because I'm not really like a back and forth messagey type person. Like I am busy and I'm sure all of you guys, or a lot of you guys, can agree. Like you know, adulting is adulting. Like you're not just going to sit there and have a pen pal where you're messaging back and forth with each other, like yeah, I'll do, like, hey, hello, but then after a while I'm just like not responding or replying anymore Because I'm just like okay, I'm too busy. Like I just kind of move on, you know. So it was like one of those situations like how are you, how are the kids? Good, you know, blah, blah, blah, and I think that was probably two months ago, probably two months ago, so two months ago that happened.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So then, out of the blue, this person messages me this week I think it was this week or the end of last week, out of the blue, I think. And obviously they see, like my Instagram stories. You know I post Emma a lot on my Instagram stories. She's my daughter. I post just random day-to-day things that we do sometimes. So this person messages me randomly this week and she's like oh, hey. Like she starts off the message like with oh, how's your daughter, how's your daughter doing? And I'm like, oh, like she's doing good, you know, like I don't know, that was kind of random, but I was like she's doing good, like everything's good, you know, and then, out of nowhere, she messages me. I need to ask you for a big favor.

Speaker 1: 11:40

And as soon as she sent that message, for me it was I don't know if this is the right word, but for me it was very triggering in that moment, because the first thing that came to mind and was oh my gosh, like here we go again, and I'll tell you guys why. So that was the first time that the first thing that came to mind was like oh my gosh, like here we go again, and I'll tell you guys why. So that was the first time that the first thing that came to mind was like, oh my gosh, here we go again. Like this is why I cut people off, like this is why you know like, especially people from the past. I'm like because, as soon as I start trying to build these relationships again from the past, I feel and this is not to say that this, that was the this person's intention at all Like, that's just like the feelings that it brought up in me was here we go again.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Like you know, this is why I just don't keep up with people Like I, just because I always end up feeling used. And again, that's not to say that this person was trying to use me at all. It was probably like very like innocent and you know, not any bad intentions or whatnot, but that was just the trauma that it brought up in me just past trauma of feeling like I'm being used. And it just brought back a lot of feelings. You know, with my mom, like things like that, where I've just felt used in the past so much where, okay, the only times that you call me and reach out to me is when you need something, only times that you call me and reach out to me is when you need something. Like that's the feeling that it brought back up and that's what I realized.

Speaker 1: 13:24

It was a realization like oh my gosh, like this trauma that I have like and I don't know if it's also like money trauma, because that's like a very like touchy thing for me, where I've helped so many people in the past financially and that's including family, that's including, you know, my ex-husband to where now I'm just like very like I set boundaries for myself, especially this year and last year, I started setting financial boundaries for myself, so much to where I don't make myself responsible for other people, if that makes sense Because I have, I feel, like been used. You know, or at least that's how I felt like been used. You know, or at least that's how I felt, and I will talk about this like further in another episode. It's just, you know the relationship with my mom, but that was one of the things that was very triggering for me that my mom would just never call me, never even ask about my daughter and how my daughter was doing. Like she would literally only call me when she needed money, or to ask me to help her with something, or to help her with money for this or that, or like just kind of put all her financial stressors onto me. And that was so stressful to me because for a long time I felt like it was my responsibility, like I had to, I had to give her money, I had to do this and that, and it just added so much stress to my life and it came to a point where I was like you know what, I don't need this, I need to set boundaries for myself and I completely just put it to the test and stopped reaching out just to see what would happen. And, yeah, she just hit, hit me up, you know, when she needed some money or she needed help with something.

Speaker 1: 15:34

So I think this experience with this girl that happened this week, to where she asked me for a favor and she asked me oh, I didn't even say what the favor was, but she basically asked to borrow some money and like that just brought everything flowing back to me and I was like, oh my gosh, like no, like I, and I feel like and you guys will have different feelings, like you guys will probably be like, oh my gosh, you're an asshole or whatnot, I don't know, but to me, like that was just very like triggering and I was like, like I can't, like, no, like this is a boundary that I have set for myself and I feel like a lot of people like I worked really, really hard to kind of get to where I'm at and I'm still struggling, like there's nobody that helps me. You know, like, and I work my butt off like to get to where I'm at right now, like, and I'm still. You know, this year has been a very transformational for me. Like I'm really trying to be very smart with my money now, like I'm really trying to pay off debt. I'm really like trying to not buy things out of impulse, things like that. And I think that also added to like this response where I was like, oh my gosh, like I like I'm going through this again. Like it kind of brought me back to past, like I guess traumas, things like that, to just politely, you know, decline, like kind of set my boundary and just very nicely say like hey, like I'm really trying to work on my like setting these like money boundaries for myself and so like, unfortunately I can't, but I don't know, like what do you guys think? Was I being an asshole or I don't know? But I just, yeah, I just wanted to to share this with you guys and just kind of, um, yeah, share this realization that I had about myself this week and my past trauma and like money trauma, things like that. And yeah, I'm just curious like, have any of you experienced this before? Can you relate to any part of my story and what would you have done in this situation? Yeah, thank you all for listening to this.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Obviously, there are so many other stories that I want to share so many other life realizations that come up throughout the week and I think it's important. It's important to notice when you do have these sort of like aha moments or like things that happen that make you kind of think like, oh, like, why am I feeling this way? You know these like self-awareness moments, because I feel like self-awareness is so important to just like building that self-awareness, you know, whenever possible in these little daily experiences. So, yeah, I think it's important. I'm curious to see if any of you guys have had any similar experiences, and I think it's important to talk about our experiences to kind of help other people that are maybe going through the same thing.

Speaker 1: 19:05

Think and remember to subscribe and share with someone else who it may be helpful for. And, yeah, make sure to also check out our new website, mentalhealthishcom. I'm trying to get up to speed again and like writing more blogs and putting more resources on the website, and so, yeah, check it out. All of the past episodes are on the website. And make sure to follow my Instagram page at mentalhealthish and my personal Instagram is at bisu. But, yeah, thank you if you have listened this far into my personal realization this week that I wanted to share with you all. Yeah, talk to you next time. Bye.